Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
