Dude my mom stole all your condoms
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The uberlube is also flammable
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
