can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
