I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
