your thong is hanging out like whoa
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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