just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize