if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
