I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
