don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
