I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
