Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You need Xanax blowdarts
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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