So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
