Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
