there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
worst night to have a conscience
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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