i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I will die if light touches me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
