Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
