ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
