i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
