Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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