I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize