my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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