I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
