Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
