From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
