got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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