So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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