Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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