You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
