Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
only you would photoshop your dick
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
