How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
