The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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