drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
