I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
