I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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