I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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