Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
