Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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