ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
