i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
