gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
is wine microwaveable?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The uberlube is also flammable
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
