i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize