What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
