Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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