dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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