you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
