The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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