I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
