i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
