I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
