why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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