I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
