get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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