Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
