I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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