The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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