Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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