Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So many bounce houses so little time
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
