You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
